Right this is gonna be a long one lol..... but i really need to get all this out!
Sorry i haven't been on for a few days i have been busy seeing family and friends.Christmas day was very stressfull, i had to eat a roast dinner as my nan and brother was there, it was really difficult for me to eat it, but its ok because i got rid off it afterwards, but then my mum had ago at me, i think she heard me, i dunno but she was in a really bad mood anyway, and i got really stressed, and i did some cutting, lately i have been cutting almost everyday, i have had to wear long sleeved tops though, and my mum has been like 'why don't you wear the short sleeved top' i'll be like cos its really cold.
So yh i have had to lie alot this week, i had a binge also on xmas eve, my mum asked me where all the food had gone, (she had gone out with friends) i said i invited some friends round and we all eat it, how little she knows!But i was trying to stop purging and cutting but my plan has not worked and i have been doing both alot lately, i didn't have anything to cut with the other day so i broke a mirror just so i could cut, its quite sad that i'm so desperate to do it, especially when it only helps for a few minutes then i realise what i've done but still carry on anyway, i can't help myself anymore, its quite scary.
I admit it hurts but its the pain thayt sort of makes me feel better, but then i see the cuts the next day and i feel bad.My bf dan saw my cuts the other day, i said it was my puppy, i don't want him to know how screwed up i am, i don't want him to leave me. i just feel if i let him know he'll ask m about it, that would make our relationship really awkward. I'm happy with our relationship and i don't want anything to ruin it. So my new goal is to get down to 85lbs now i'm 88 and i have to get there soon! otherwise i'm gonna lose it seriously lose it!
Monday, 29 December 2008
Saturday, 6 December 2008
the word NO means no!!
Ok so today i went and finished my christmas shopping, i went with my mum & dad. My mum has been having money problems at the moment so my dad has been offering to pay for everyting.
So all day i have had to listen to them arguing. It upsetting but annoying at the same time. It makes me sad to know that my mum still loves him and he's just well trying to buy us with his money, everytime i get upset he says i'll buy u something to cheer you up. i don't want anything bought for me, i ust want things to be back to normal. i want my family back, when everyone was talking. I want MY life back, back when i didn't worry about whether i put a pound on or not. I want to live away from here. i hate living here. And most of all want to go to a different school, i'm fed up of getting bullied.
1- yes mum i still binge and purge! I'm sorry for throwing all the food you cooked for me, and sorry for lying to you all the time.
2- i self harm. It makes me feel a bit happier, for about 10 minutes then i do it again.
3- i hate going out with my family and friends- i just want to stay in my room, doing my own thing, excercising or something like that, i don't want to go out!!
4- I don't want to eat. I will get fat if i eat, stop telling me to do so. You don't understand. You will never understand. Please stop telling me to eat, it will not help me!!!
5- i don't want to live anymore
6- i hate my dad.
7- i want to cry, all the time. I feel sad, i just can't be bothered anymore!!!
8- I'm sorry for runnig away all the time, but i need some space from you.
9 to ana and mia- your my friends, but my enemy at the same time, i hate you but love you, i like as you make me that bit closer to being thin, i hate you as you make me faint, purge, weak, upset and cough up blood but its worth it for making me lose weight quicker then any diet can.
10- i hate my best friend- shes thinner, prettier and has the best boyfriend ever. How can i hate you?? But i do, i can't help it.
11- I NEED HELP MUM!!!! I know i'm a pain the arse but i need you and your never there your just drinking, so you never notice when i've been crying, cutting or purging, binging.
12- Mum i stole money from you for food to have a binge, and i'm sorry i blamed it on you being drunk and forgetting where you put it, it was me!!
Yes mum your perfect daughter is fucked up, she has got anorexia and bulimia even if you don't want to beleive it, you have 2. I love you but i hate you more, 1 for making me grow up with all the shit that you did!!!!!
Sorry in a bad mood today x x x x
So all day i have had to listen to them arguing. It upsetting but annoying at the same time. It makes me sad to know that my mum still loves him and he's just well trying to buy us with his money, everytime i get upset he says i'll buy u something to cheer you up. i don't want anything bought for me, i ust want things to be back to normal. i want my family back, when everyone was talking. I want MY life back, back when i didn't worry about whether i put a pound on or not. I want to live away from here. i hate living here. And most of all want to go to a different school, i'm fed up of getting bullied.
1- yes mum i still binge and purge! I'm sorry for throwing all the food you cooked for me, and sorry for lying to you all the time.
2- i self harm. It makes me feel a bit happier, for about 10 minutes then i do it again.
3- i hate going out with my family and friends- i just want to stay in my room, doing my own thing, excercising or something like that, i don't want to go out!!
4- I don't want to eat. I will get fat if i eat, stop telling me to do so. You don't understand. You will never understand. Please stop telling me to eat, it will not help me!!!
5- i don't want to live anymore
6- i hate my dad.
7- i want to cry, all the time. I feel sad, i just can't be bothered anymore!!!
8- I'm sorry for runnig away all the time, but i need some space from you.
9 to ana and mia- your my friends, but my enemy at the same time, i hate you but love you, i like as you make me that bit closer to being thin, i hate you as you make me faint, purge, weak, upset and cough up blood but its worth it for making me lose weight quicker then any diet can.
10- i hate my best friend- shes thinner, prettier and has the best boyfriend ever. How can i hate you?? But i do, i can't help it.
11- I NEED HELP MUM!!!! I know i'm a pain the arse but i need you and your never there your just drinking, so you never notice when i've been crying, cutting or purging, binging.
12- Mum i stole money from you for food to have a binge, and i'm sorry i blamed it on you being drunk and forgetting where you put it, it was me!!
Yes mum your perfect daughter is fucked up, she has got anorexia and bulimia even if you don't want to beleive it, you have 2. I love you but i hate you more, 1 for making me grow up with all the shit that you did!!!!!
Sorry in a bad mood today x x x x
oh noo!
well last night my mum decided to force me to et dinner. I have been on a fast for 2 weeks and she ruined it. My dad was just saying to me, 'you have to eat' i was just thinking, no i don't if i eat i will get fat, i don't want to be fat so stop telling me to eat. Afterwards i purged. i had to get rid of it.
My mum was like that wasn't so bad was it?? i said to her 'do you know how many calories there are in a piece of pie mum?' she sed no.
So things at home are quite bad right now. I just hope i don't binge because that would be quite bad, as i'm trying to get out of it! I have an extra day of school on monday, which is not very good because my mum is going to ask me if i had breakfast, if i want lunch
My mum was like that wasn't so bad was it?? i said to her 'do you know how many calories there are in a piece of pie mum?' she sed no.
So things at home are quite bad right now. I just hope i don't binge because that would be quite bad, as i'm trying to get out of it! I have an extra day of school on monday, which is not very good because my mum is going to ask me if i had breakfast, if i want lunch
Monday, 1 December 2008
a little bit about me..
Hi. I'm anaobsessed16. i'm 16, live in Southampton England and i have anorexia and bulimia. I suppose this is gonna be like an online diary for me, so i'm sorry if theres swearing in it, its just that i have alot of problems and take it out on writing rather then cutting, as that is a bad way to let feeloing out, trust me, i've been there and done it.
So i suppose you want to know how it all started.... I'm going to tell you some very personal stuff about me, as you don't know my real name it won't really matter.
Ok it all started just before xmas last year. (Xmas 07). I found out that my dad was gay... YES GAY! After being married to my mum for 15 years but being with her for 21, i find out hes gay! I only find out because i find emails, and then ask him. I then see a picture of a man sat on our sofa, i ask him, he says thats not our sofa i replied it is, thers a picture of my brother on his wedding say in the background. After that my dad put me up against the wall, and strangled me, my mum did nothing and cried!!!! Then he went and started on her, my mum tried to throw him out.
Anyways after that alot more violence happened. The police were called 4 times in one night. As he kept coming back.
My way of coping has always been not eating, i got that of my mum, who also has an eating disorder. But i soon got bored of not eating, so one night i binged, then i panicked, and purged. I don't purge often but i do sometimes, especially when i binge. My friends don't talk about my weight loss anymore, they hae given up nagging me to eat, so has my family.
So thats my story. Thanks for taking the time to read it, i'll write everyday! x x x
anaobsessed.piczo.com that is my website. Pleasse visit it. Thankyou x x x
So i suppose you want to know how it all started.... I'm going to tell you some very personal stuff about me, as you don't know my real name it won't really matter.
Ok it all started just before xmas last year. (Xmas 07). I found out that my dad was gay... YES GAY! After being married to my mum for 15 years but being with her for 21, i find out hes gay! I only find out because i find emails, and then ask him. I then see a picture of a man sat on our sofa, i ask him, he says thats not our sofa i replied it is, thers a picture of my brother on his wedding say in the background. After that my dad put me up against the wall, and strangled me, my mum did nothing and cried!!!! Then he went and started on her, my mum tried to throw him out.
Anyways after that alot more violence happened. The police were called 4 times in one night. As he kept coming back.
My way of coping has always been not eating, i got that of my mum, who also has an eating disorder. But i soon got bored of not eating, so one night i binged, then i panicked, and purged. I don't purge often but i do sometimes, especially when i binge. My friends don't talk about my weight loss anymore, they hae given up nagging me to eat, so has my family.
So thats my story. Thanks for taking the time to read it, i'll write everyday! x x x
anaobsessed.piczo.com that is my website. Pleasse visit it. Thankyou x x x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
