I hate xmas x x

Right this is gonna be a long one lol..... but i really need to get all this out!

Sorry i haven't been on for a few days i have been busy seeing family and friends.Christmas day was very stressfull, i had to eat a roast dinner as my nan and brother was there, it was really difficult for me to eat it, but its ok because i got rid off it afterwards, but then my mum had ago at me, i think she heard me, i dunno but she was in a really bad mood anyway, and i got really stressed, and i did some cutting, lately i have been cutting almost everyday, i have had to wear long sleeved tops though, and my mum has been like 'why don't you wear the short sleeved top' i'll be like cos its really cold.

So yh i have had to lie alot this week, i had a binge also on xmas eve, my mum asked me where all the food had gone, (she had gone out with friends) i said i invited some friends round and we all eat it, how little she knows!But i was trying to stop purging and cutting but my plan has not worked and i have been doing both alot lately, i didn't have anything to cut with the other day so i broke a mirror just so i could cut, its quite sad that i'm so desperate to do it, especially when it only helps for a few minutes then i realise what i've done but still carry on anyway, i can't help myself anymore, its quite scary.

I admit it hurts but its the pain thayt sort of makes me feel better, but then i see the cuts the next day and i feel bad.My bf dan saw my cuts the other day, i said it was my puppy, i don't want him to know how screwed up i am, i don't want him to leave me. i just feel if i let him know he'll ask m about it, that would make our relationship really awkward. I'm happy with our relationship and i don't want anything to ruin it. So my new goal is to get down to 85lbs now i'm 88 and i have to get there soon! otherwise i'm gonna lose it seriously lose it!